dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
