:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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