it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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