I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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