I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
