He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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