While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
