I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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