Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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