so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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