I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
