My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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