ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
