Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
