the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
