My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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