I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
