when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
