I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
