I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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