I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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