Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
