I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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