If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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