maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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