we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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