I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
