Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
