im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize