my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
