A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
