Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
