I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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