I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
