i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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