He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
