Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
