when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
