you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
