By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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