so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
