Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
