So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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