i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize