Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
