I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i think i have two assholes
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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