I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
