there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
