So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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