i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
