my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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