Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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