Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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