why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
