dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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