My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
