My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
