id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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