My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
