He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You're a waste of cheezeits
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
