My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
