Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
