I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
