So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
