Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
